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  • Writer's pictureGladys Agwai


“There are plenty of places where you will face rejection…the mirror should not be one of them.” -N.R. Shepherd

They probably won’t like my proposal.” “I will never be good enough to get that promotion.” “They will never accept me in that school.” “No one will ever pay me that

much.” “It is not my best work. I shouldn’t submit it.” “They will find some excuse not to give me what I deserve.” “I won’t ever qualify for that loan to start my business or get my home or get into that school.” “I can’t start a business.” “I want to get married but he will never propose. I am too fat/ugly.” “I don’t have enough experience to go after that position.” “That executive will never want to mentor me.” “They will never give a woman that level of responsibility.” “I really want to go after this client. But my business is too new.” “What will others think of me if I quit?” “They won’t buy into my vision” “What if I fail?” These are all self-rejecting quiet thoughts that turn into actions that will have a significantly negative impact

on your life, business, or career. During a coaching session with a new client, I looked up and saw tears streaming down her face. She was choking on her tears until she could not hold back. She burst into a loud cry! I did not interrupt her moment because she had been choking back tears for far too long. Once she had calmed, she said that she was fired from her job a while ago and was scared that “no one would hire her because she was fired”. She had told no one! Not even her husband. She only looked for opportunities that were below her skill and experience level. She was miserable and burdened carrying around all the weight of self-rejection to avoid being rejected! What are your self-rejecting thoughts?

Self-rejection is a form of self-sabotage. It typically occurs after you convince yourself you are not good enough, worthy, or capable. You believe that you lack the desire or cannot persevere to reach your goals. Your belief system around these mind viruses

will determine if you propel yourself forward or hold yourself back. You begin to dwell more

than usual on your failures and flaws whether big or small. You then progress thinking your

downfalls mean you are not cut out for success. As a result, you do not even try. You may think self-rejecting thoughts and behaviors only impact you. They do not. Those within your circles of influence are also impacted. They are impacted because you are not modeling the right way for them to follow. Your internal signals of emotional anxiety (sadness, frustration,

anger, shame, guilt) and physical anxiety (stomach churning,blood pressure rising, heart rate

increasing, or headaches) always comes up during moments you do not like. You dare to want to step outside of your comfort zone with these quiet thoughts and feelings that something is just not right. You know you want and deserve better, but those self-rejecting thoughts keep you immobilized. You then choose to act based on what someone else wants or dictates for you to then be miserable. All is to satisfy your powerful human need to belong. Do not become numb to these signals. It is important that you do not believe everything

you think but believe ‘everything’ you feel. It is telling you to act! During this period of uncertainty, it is difficult to understand if you are judging the situation based on merit or fear.

Too often you do not even realize you are the culprit of your own demise because you are too close to the situation. You must put distance between self-rejection and self-criticism, between judging and pre-judging to have clarity to make right decisions.

Below are some of the common signals that you are self-rejecting:

• Constant feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.

• Regularly comparing yourself to other people.

• Patterns of unworthiness with irritability (perfectionism,anger, overbearing).

• Self-image issues (shy, passive.)

• Lying to hide defects and weaknesses.

• Neglect key responsibilities and priorities.

• Extravagant spending to gain acceptance/admiration.

• Give off sense of superiority when underneath feels inferior.

• Difficulty receiving love from others or giving love.

• Addiction to food, drugs, alcohol, TV, sex, internet (often hidden ones) with self-isolation.

Too many people believe other people are responsible for making them feel safe and worthy. Your parents had this responsibility when younger. However, as an adult the responsibility is now yours to give yourself the loving attention and approval needed to know your worth unapologetically. Even if you are highly regarded, respected, and loved, and you are rejecting yourself in the ways mentioned, you will not feel and will miss the regard others want to give to you. You must address the pain you are feeling which includes

seeking the support needed.

Can you avoid self-rejection?

No! But you can ensure you do not dwell in it to your detriment. How?

1. Acknowledge and accept that rejection is normal. You are not alone.

2. Forgive yourself for doubting you and your abilities. Forgive others who doubt you.

3. Know the good (personal and professional) that is within you. Say the good out loud when self-rejecting. Disrupt that negative pattern.

4. Understand your strengths/weaknesses. Know where you are, where you want to be, and your personal and professional gaps to achieve your goals. Know what you are willing to sacrifice. Close your gaps.

5. Expect the better that is to come. Take the appropriate action to be better. Take ownership and lead with the fact that change is inevitable, the need for change exists, and with change, rejection and self-rejection will follow. It is just a fact! However, when you understand rejection and self-rejection and use it to your advantage, you will live an overall BETTER life that is filled with more money, freedom, and fun all with less stress!

“Rejection is a gift, a golden opportunity for selflove.” -Tal Gur

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