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  • Writer's pictureGladys Agwai

How to always love the one you are with!

"There is nothing more satisfying than being loved for who you are and nothing more painful than being loved for who you’re not but pretending to be.”-Neil Pasricha

Everyone wants to hear the words “I Love You.” Love is fundamentally what everyone desires. Unfortunately, you attempt getting love by trying too hard to be good enough, impressive enough, and beautiful enough. The harder you chase it the harder it seems to be found. You look for love from others, such as, your partner, children, parents, siblings, or best friends. But it is simply impossible because NO ONE can give you love. Love is an emotion a feeling that ‘you’ are always creating or resisting including love for yourself. No one else can create that feeling for you. You can experience 1) sexual, romantic, and passionate love; 2) mature love that is patient, tolerant, and compromising, with your partner’s happiness your happiness; 3) love for everyone – non-strangers and strangers, and 4) self-love which can be healthy or narcissistic. With positive self-love you have love for your well-being and happiness. But you can be your own worst enemy listening to that negative ‘voice’. Have you ever repeated the mantras the experts say you should do, “You are amazing.”, and the ‘voice’ focuses on all your faults that make you not amazing. Or you are in a self-care experience like getting a massage or love experience with your partner, and the “voice” focuses on what you think are exposed defects and what they must think of you. You leave the experience unfulfilled and joyless pretending to be “fine”.

Are you self-obsessed listening to that “voice” about your lack of love and acting from negativity getting negative results? Is your focus on “What do they think of me?” “Am I smart enough?” “How do I look?” or “Will I ever find real love”? Shift your focus on loving the one you are with “all the time” – YOU! Take intentional action and switch from negativity to be loving in the present moment to whomever you are with. Experience the good and love. You may not like where you are but do not be confused. You still must love yourself even when you may not like where you are. Love the one you are with by:

• Accepting who you are and where you are “right now”. Minimize self-pity.

• Not obsessing about your relationships through bragging, seeking attention, or measuring your value by other people’s approval personally or via Social Media posts. If you are doing that, understand why and choose differently. Love yourself enough.

• Not being envious of another’s relationship. First, you really do not know what is going on behind closed doors. Secondly, be happy for them which brings happiness to you. Do not lie to yourself and work hard to be what someone else wants you to be. Know you are worthy of authentic, compassionate, joy filled love.

• Understanding when none of your relationships are working the problem might be you (ouch). This is difficult to accept. However, sit with yourself long enough to figure it out. Love yourself while you are asking others to love you. Be gentle with yourself.

• Thanking your critical “voice” for showing up and making you aware of your need to change. Congratulate yourself on noticing that it showed up and ask yourself if you would say the same thing to a friend. If not, respond in that way to yourself. Practice compassionate meditation and prayer. Scan what you are feeling mentally, physically and emotionally with no judgment, analyzing, or changing of them. Allow them and observe. Begin to bring up feelings of patience, empathy, comfort, and appreciation. It gets easier with practice. Feel these feelings throughout your body and mind. You are loved, worthy, and not alone because you are always with you.

• Giving yourself the space to enjoy pride, acknowledge your success, internally and externally. Say “Thank you” in response to a compliment, instead of deflecting or denying (“It was nothing”.) Being self-critical has probably been at the root of a lot of your successes. You thought this would protect you from the painful feelings of rejection or failure. It does not. See and seize upon the opportunities from rejection. Be open to change the love relationship you have with you. The best way to have love is to BE love and loving. You have control over creating that for yourself and sharing it with others. Be obsessive about loving, feeling, and living life. Put it to practice, so you can live your BEST life loving the one you are always with — YOU!

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship of your life.” Neil Pasricha

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